the dreaded day and mommy guilt...

This morning, I ended up doing the one thing I have dreaded more than any other in my short time as a mommy - supplementing with formula. After a full 8 months and 3 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding, there was not enough pumped milk to leave for G.

I wanted to be the one to give him the first bottle, fearing that he may refuse it or have a reaction so, I gave him 2 ounces. He drank the bottle in record time, as I cried, and wanted more. Honestly, for a few minutes I didn't know whether to be relieved or upset that he had no problem with the formula. Then, I knocked some sense into myself. My son is a champion eater and that is a good thing.

Today I am struggling with mommy guilt, disappointment and sadness. I was not ready to wean yet, even if it is partial. I know that supplementing means the beginning of the end of my nursing relationship with G and wasn't ready. I know so many women celebrate this time and getting their body back but, I'm feeling the exact opposite. I loved being able to provide the only nutrition our son needed for over 5 months and looked forward to making it past this point.

So, what now?

I plan to carry on nursing whenever I am home and hope that my nighttime and early morning supply hangs on for a good while longer. And, I will continue to pump at work as long as I am producing enough while at work to not be physically uncomfortable and to justify carrying the pump through New York City. And, I will try not to carry this disappointment beyond today.

George is 8 months, 3 weeks today.


Jes said...

oh Jen, i'm tearing up. i dread the day, so i can imagine how heavy your heart is today. big, supportive hugs to you.

nfaband said...

I know this is no consolation Jen ... but there will be many firsts in George's life that you won't be ready for, times that will bring you to tears ... but remember that it's all a part of growing and becoming the boy he's meant to be, and with his wonderful parents guidance you'll be so proud of him. I never had the chance to breast feed ... so I don't know that sense of loss you are feeling ... but I know I've felt it at other times in my girls life. You're a great mom Jen ...

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